Shine On...

"This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine... this little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine..."

I can't help, but sing that sweet little song to myself, every time I think about our most recent decision to homeschool Charlotte. Just a few weeks ago (we made a whole month before pulling her out), Charlotte attended Kindergarten in public school... but today, I'm proud to say that she's back home... and I'm back to the official role/title as "teacher". Before sending her to school, I struggled... I struggled big time. I wasn't sure if she was ready... I wasn't sure if the decision was made more in a selfish way (so that I'd have more time with Marley during the day and not have to parent both)... I was listening to her desire to "meet friends"... and although a huge part of me wanted to see it work out... it just didn't. We've been praying over the decision to send her for weeks... and finally we have an answer...

homeschool.

Did we need to test the waters? yes. Did she love making friends? yes. Did I have some great one on one time with Marley? yes. Did she struggle? yes.

When we adopted Charlotte, she had NEVER stepped foot out of the orphanage... in her 3.5 almost 4 years of life, she had never, not once, experienced... life. With experiences, comes this maturity... call it social maturity, or social norms. You learn what's appropriate from what's inappropriate... and although we saw all acceptable behavior at home, it was different when Charlotte entered the front doors at school. We're still not certain exactly what happened... but everyday she entered those doors, it's as if she reverted back into "orphanage" mode. She completely zoned out, used unacceptable behavior to receive attention, and ultimately landed herself in the principal's office more times than I can count on one hand.

The first time I received a phone call from her teacher (the second day of school), I was overcome with complete and utter confusion (and to this day, I still am)... she was describing a child that I didn't know, doing behavior that I had NEVER witnessed or hadn't seen since we first met her. After a parent/teacher conference, and sharing "her" story with her teacher, I was certain we came up with solutions to the behavior issues... but we didn't. Every night a behavior chart needed to be signed, and we'd constantly go over the same "do's" and "don'ts" with Charlotte each day. "Do not push your friends..." "Do not throw sand..." "Do not bang your head on the wall..." "Do not roll around on the floor and pinch yourself..." etc. Some behavior we've witnessed before (while walking around and peeking into the orphanage doorways), whereas other behavior was completely new to us. Each time we read out loud what she did, it was as though we were staring at a blank face, a face that couldn't recall each and every incident. It was as if she did it without any recollection... impulsively.

So, before deciding on homeschooling, I decided I needed to see firsthand what the teacher was seeing, and so I sat in and observed a morning. I sat, and watched 21 students, including Charlotte, roll into the classroom... with no aid to help her teacher. All 21... fighting for her teacher's attention...

No one-on-one attention, strike 1. No one there to give specific instruction to Charlotte, who desperately needs guided instruction constantly, strike 2. Vague directions for every assignment, strike 3. Tons of noise and sensory stimulation, strike 4. The list could go on and on... and when asked how I can get Charlotte help, I was told that it could take up to a year to get her evaluated and given an IEP (Individualized Education Plan, which would help get Charlotte the "help" that she needs to succeed or stay afloat). Just watching her in class, I saw a little one who looked completely "lost". A little one who knows her sight words for the month of September already (because we work on those at home each day), but couldn't follow a simple worksheet in class because she wasn't given one-on-one direction. She just looked up into space, and stared so blankly... because no one in the class was helping her.

Each time Charlotte came home from school with the LONG list of terrible behavior... we had to discipline (rightfully so), and that would be all the interaction we'd have most days... because she wouldn't finish her schoolwork, she had tons of homework. So between disciplining her, and homework, we didn't even have time to have fun anymore... no time to play or snuggle. On the weekends, it felt like we got our "old" Charlotte back, only to send her back to school on Monday, and become disappointed in her all over again. It was tedious, and it was time... time to dis-enroll her. Last Wednesday, after my observations were done, I spent a better portion of the afternoon discussing homeschooling with a dear friend and my sister (who homeschools as well)... and that afternoon we said "farewell" to public school... and we haven't looked back.

I haven't completely picked out a curriculum yet... but that's on the agenda for this week. We are for now working out of old educational workbooks that I purchased "just for fun" awhile back, and I have her journaling everyday. She LOVES being home... it means time with Mommy, Marley, and the attention that she so rightfully deserves. When you think about it... we've only had her for 2 years... that's only 2 years of experiences, of learning social norms... etc. This is her struggle... socially maturity takes time... and with Charlotte... I know we'll get there. The girl is unstoppable... there is no mountain she cannot climb...

In this post, I spoke about her being a beacon in school... that my prayer was that she'd be an amazing light for God in school... and while for some it works... it wasn't for us... it was diminishing Charlotte's light. These last few days (2 days last week, and today) of homeschooling, have brought back her light... and I couldn't be more excited for this new journey. Shine on little girl... shine on.